1/10/2022

 Hello, I know this is THE LAST TIME I am going to talk about this matter. I am so over it already because I have done my part, but recently words have been put inside of my mouth so much that it is not fair for you to discuss among yourself, so here is the verdict and you can reply if there is objection.

Let's start with a little backstory shall we? Once upon a time, I have heard various stories about these two people from their own friends. You name it. Busuk, aggressive, toxic, tak ada common sense, banyak membazir and every of that thing. So, it is easy to say that both of them are generally unlikable. I do not recall myself responding to it rather than just laugh. However, I found out that one of the two most talked people ever, has also multiple times talking shit about me. She multiple time discussed about me too like is this how bitches from kelantan loves to do? I was confused because I never talk shit about her. Yes, it was qielut. And obviously another person that we refer to as the "two people" is Yana. And the one that told me? Come'on, yall seriously don't know who? So I felt ego. This is where lead to my biggest mistake. I did wrong. And these are the few things that I only going to apologize about.

So, what's the thing I did that is so horrible to qielut? Well, even after we made it clear that we don't hate each other, she quote unquote said to me that she likes to bahan me. a.k.a clowning me. And she also said she didn't wanna tell me she's at cyberjaya cuz she dont wanna meet. I feel like "ehh??" but it's all bahan materials like "ugh he's so annoying", or "he always uploads like we want to see his life" unprovoked and everything. So basically he likes to clown me but in negative lights. Which is, spoiler alert, what have I became now. But let us recall it together? I know that this whole bahan thing is not a big deal and I should move on like a normal person, but I was toxic. I admit that. I feel like "Hello? All these people hate you, but you think I am the one you can clown?", or something like that. So, I screenshotted a conversation with someone implying she doesn't want both Yana and Qielut to join their recent meeting, by saying "..aku nak jumpa atul and hajar je". I was like saying to qielut, "see? no one likes you either?" During that time, I thought I satisfied. But I didn't. My phone was buzzing and the most person who affected by this is no others than Bok, which is shocking people thought it was her. Oh, and by the way, I tried to take all the blame to myself by saying it was all a prank, but by the time this is posted, I know ev'ryone knows it is real. The cover-up was weak as I forgot to change the 6.15 thing. Dammit. I am not gonna tell who is the real person because I think I personally should not do that and she is the kindest soul and she have not spoken to me ever since, which is understandable.

At this point, I felt quite crumbled-ish. I felt useless because even Atul turned against me and said, "yes we felt uncomfortable around her, but let's not forget she's a friend and she helped us a lot". It makes me feel so guilty and wrong to the point I texted Yana too to apologize to qielut. Because I think what Atul said was true, and I let my emotions controlled me? I also think she don't deserve to feel unwanted, and because I responded that way, I am too doing things that she did and I am no longer different from her, but somehow worse. At this point, I told bok and afiq I don't want to hurt people again. I even helped najwa at my workplace, make amendments, and lend her pendrive, etc. Don't wanna brag but we all know how I felt about Najwa before? But i was putting that aside and becomes her bestfriend at the office, I think she talked more with me than her own task giver. Ok enough about that.

The climacteric of this drama is that i posted something about Petronas, which we will only refer as P, because I am allergy to that word now. So the context is nowadays everyone talks shit about interns at P showing off their cards, so I have given my two cents about the situation and said "It's okay to brag because if I were to enter P, I would also brag about it", and at this point I was flexing even I only get the offer. I said, I think the most important part of being in P is you have to be available at that time, with good CGPA's you can enter it. Then, I deleted the story because the verdict was only my experience and it's not fair to judge all the branches have the same policy. However, Syaza suddenly uploads this whole rant about a guy who can't move on that he didnt get P and her words, wow I didn't think syaza was capable writing that. She was mad mad. To be honest, I thought at first it wasn't about me, because I didn't think it relates. A few moments later she uploaded about I copied atif work from sem3, which is pathetic. By the way, I don't know it is matters but I ran the code, made effort to change everything, but madam thinks it's the same but none of us gets anything by madam, not even anything? and it was consensual, not that i copied w/o permission? so I don't know why she would still talk about that?

 So, I immediately knows it is about me after she mentioned about atif. But why is she offended? Should I ignore it to avoid drama? Yes. But, my heart wants to talk about it. So, I asked bok whether she saw Syaza story and thought if she knows whats that about. and it was shocking to me that bok said I attacked her and Syaza by posting that statement about P. At first, I don't understand and then I remembered they too comes from smaller branch. I felt annoyed that bok thought I was attacking her and people putting words in my mouth was making me angry during that time, so I blocked her. And surely, she blocked me back which is understandable and I also felt I am the problem for blocking her. But, out of people, I thought she would understand my intention best because she knows me so well.  She also knows what happened in my life evryday so her admitting thinking that I was attacking her makes me feel serabut and I'm such a narcissistic for that. So I felt like I was blamed out of pocket.  I love bok a lot and I feel so tired thinking about this and it seems that I am the problem for not listening to her. And I feel shameful to even apologize to her again because I did hurt her multiple times. She is the kindest person and I ruined my friendship with her because of my ego. And I guess I should stop being like this. And with all the drama that happens, I should probably stopped here, but I always needs an explanation. That's how I roll. I don't like people just say things atas angin. 

mind you, if i were to attack you, i attack you right away because so that 100% wasn't my intention. This makes me confront Syaza. I was confused which part of it is offensive and she at first denied it was about me. Well, she said it was just a huge misunderstanding and she apologized, and I too had apologize. But I know deep inside she still thinks my story talked bout her because her witty and sarcastic remarks. well I cannot do anything about it as I can't make anyone believe me. btw if you are as confused as I am, they thought I meant they were accepted because they were available. They simply ignored the part I said cgpa kena cantik. But yes. ayat I tu salah. tapi perlu ke sampai buat status attack i kan. tapi i dah maafkan. She somehow told atif that she felt hurt by my words, soon after I have done made amend with her. Ayat atif best gila "stop cari gaduh dengan orang" as if gf dia tak update a whole two statuses dedicated to hurt my feelings. So, yeah. I kinda blocked Syaza after that because i thought we were done but she still asked atif to text me. 

But again, I have to ask Suhada and Izzah, which I didn't know datang dari mana tapi juga somehow ada offended by my words (according to Syaza). Syaza specifically said I did not hurt her and insisted it was all misunderstanding, but instead she kept asking me "did you ever miswrong my friend?" when I asked her if she ada lama pendam apa sebelum ni sampai mengamuk like that. She made me understand that she acted like that because I miswronged Suhada and Izzah. And, you will see this pattern happening throughout the whole story soon. At this point, I nak make amendment je tapi dissapointed, sebab semua habis-habis nasihat I je? I text "what did I do wrong to you" and semua tiba-tiba act God and pinpoint my mistake. Tuduh pula tu. Bukannya benda betul? Nampak sangat memang I takde belittle them or anything? Have yall heard about "if there is no name of you, then it is not for you"? I said that sebab I understand yang you guys probably terasa with something I said indirectly because I swear takpernah cakap banyak pun dengan Izzah, and I know how sensitive Suhada is for me to gurau bodoh dengan dia So I genuinely tertanya-tanya what is it they I have said? Izzah said "you did not hurt me as much as I was being too sensitive at that time, but you may ask Su and Syaza, because the weight of hurtfulness may differ for them". Again? you hated me because I did your friend wrong? What exactly did I did though? Needless to say, those ends up pretty ugly because I found out they screenshotted my text. Congratu-fucking-lations. So, it was all a show? I poured my heart apologizing to you, and honestly you screenshotted the parts where we argued to paint me bad again. You all said you didn't wanna talk about it anymore and we all forgive one another, but after all that, you sent our texts to qielut? out of people? wow. You girls are nasty and congratz for proving me you all nothing but the same. Jumping on hate train against me and painting me bad because you only showed them the part where I did say offensive things. You didn't show the part where you kept straying away from the topic and kept commenting me as a person. That further proved me that yall are twisted. My heart says this is my own medicine since I like to screenhot stuff, but that is way different because at least I wanted to hurt qielut only, who have personally talked shit about me before. but yall take those texts while I am being honest with yall after we dah berbaik and use it so everyone can see? This is the part where I genuinely suddenly think that you are all so fucking low and have no class. And guess what? I am "downgrading" you now. the first time, purposely. This is it. This is the part. Put it in the calendar, bitch.

The aftermath of this is I am grateful that I have gone away from your circle. You guys mengata one another soon after juga. Nothing will last forever.  I feel like I explain panjang-panjang pun akhirnya salah I juga ya? So tak ada guna. Betullah, "a friend to all is friend to none" kan? semangat persahabatan korang amatlah saya respect sampaikan alasan sama je diberi "you did my friend dirty". Tapi I memang menyesal I screenshot text tu sebab that girl is very kind and I tak fikir pasal kesan dia masa tu. Honestly, I malu sangat dengan dia and I sangat faham if she wanted to cut me off. I am now at the lowest point in my life and you all can clap all you want now, sebab bok and few good friends of mine pun dah stray away from me. It's not a game but aish let's be real, It's fun seeing me like this, right? Btw, some of you kan... Too much of "taknak bergaduh", but attack me and called me liar, ungrateful, um what else? oh like to compare myself with others, and insensitive in front of my face to trigger me. And when I triggered, I suddenly "the mean one". You all cannot gaslight me and think yourself as a saint. Regardless, thank you so much for your feedbacks on me <33 Oh and btw at least I acknowledge that I am toxic, and I am working everyday to keep my mouth shut from saying anything at all. thank you yall peace out