14/10/2022

 Hi. This is two weeks after the incident, and I am glad I did not press "send". It will give them more points to talk about me. I can't blame them because that is what normal human would do, but feeding them contents can actually consume my mental health.

I have met some great friends during internship. With my friendly face and extraordinary laughter, it was not hard for me to get new friends at all. I am so glad that they did not judge me and even called me "bitch" (politely). They even enjoy my company and I think even najwa enjoys me. I mean I'm so pathetically funny. I must say, though, my overthinking has gotten worse. I am now, very very careful and particular about what I said until it limited my personality a little bit. One time I accidentally said "you dumb bitch" to my fellow friend she laughed so hard her eyes were red and I am glad she did not take offense, and actually talked more with me afterwards. Energy doesn't lie, is it?

I have met a good friend especially named, -well I hope he did not find this blog, because it would be a little cringe if he does- but his name is Putera. I don't know who sent him. I mean Allah sends him but he is very kind and he kind of, I don't know how to explain but almost a godsent to me. First of all, ever since Mirza left from the HeiTech, I still have Danial, but Danial always goes home during break. Then, out of nowhere, Putera comes to save the day. Okay, I am not introducing Putera too early in this blog am I? but I am scared if he would not be relevant soon. Lah?

This is where my post would become a tiny bit cringe

-and 100% turning into high-schooler vibe.

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Putera.

I haven't felt a male especially so ikhlas being friend with me before. The last time I felt like this was Syafiq, and he was and still is my bestfriend until now. I don't know but he sent me to my house twice. Idk I think it's kinda weird that it happens two times but the fact that he wills to send me? Honestly I am stunned and so shy. -Okay but why he might be irrelevant soon?

----commercial break and a fucking disclaimer : I am not clinically tested because it was expensive but I have developed a lot of anxiety, stress and overthinking when there is an internal conflict regarding people I cared about. Or, it could be any people when there are slight tone change, or silent treatment, or simply overlooked.

Yes, you guessed it. Today Putera rode his moto so it makes sense he just walked home without me but I texted him saying that he didn't have to pay me back on nasi ayam cuz he paid for my food today. And that mf did not reply. You see? Here is a problem. A high school problem of me overthinking when someone did not reply to me even when they are online. I am scared if I said the wrong thing, and the fact I would still see him everyday after this also scared me if I had to communicate with him about what upsets him.

So yes, but I have learnt before that no reply is also a reply. So, I should not double text him or I would sound pushy, or desperate, Furthermore, it's his fucking phone bitch why would me a no one forcing him to reply? and tones during texting may differ the way u read it so it's dangerous to deal conflict using whatsapp.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope he just don't know what to reply yet. I would update more soon about my life. I only overthink about that today but I am glad it didn't consume me as much, as I learn boundary, and also to respect myself as well. Believe in myself that I did nothing wrong. Gitew.